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Family & Corrections Network |
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October 10-12, 1993 Quebec City, Quebec, Canada
CHOICES AND CHANGES: SELF-AWARENESS: A STEP TOWARDS POSITIVE RISK-TAKING Des choix et des changements: les programmes de readaptation en milieu carceral Lucia Scott Dans cet atelier les participants ont examine les questions de responsabilite, de rapports toxiques et de comportements dependants par rapport a la readaptation. Choices and Changes (Des choix et des changements) est un programme educatif et therapeutique offert aux femmes detenues de Bedford Hills Correctional Centre. Il est base sur les principes de l'analyse transactionnelle ainsi que sur des etudes au sujet des enfants adultes de parents alcooliques. La connaissance de soi, le desir de changer, de reconnaitre ses emotions, le courage de prendre des risques sont des themes qui reviennent souvent dans ce cours qui a beaucoup d'impact sur celles qui s'impliquent. A. INTRODUCTION Addiction: Any self-defeating behavior that a person cannot stop despite its adverse consequences. Most of the women I meet have taken dangerous risks. They have risked their own lives and the lives of others. But the risk that is most frightening to many of these women, is the appropriate risk towards positive change. Positive change implies honesty and self-knowledge. It also implies feelings of vulnerability. Some women will face guns, drugs, battering and incarceration rather than face themselves. Incarcerated women know they "should" stop the behavior that got them arrested, but for a variety of reasons, they feel unable to control their behaviors. Believing that one can just stop certain behaviors by using willpower alone is usually a set-up for failure. Sooner or later, when life gets stressful, a relapse will occur or a person may replace one addiction for another. Believing that willpower alone can "cure" negative behavior comes from the very thinking that causes addiction - the belief that there is a "quick fix" to everything and that if we exert enough control, we can avoid pain and discomfort. "There's got to be an easy way!" This misconception is coming out of the same mind set as the problem. At some point the women who come into Choices will have to face their feelings of guilt, shame and fear. Guilt is the belief that they have done something wrong, bad and unforgivable. Guilt is based on the belief that the past is inescapable and determines the future. Shame is the belief that they have done something bad, and the belief that they are bad. Fear comes from the belief that they have done something wrong and are something wrong so they fear punishment from God, from family or friends or from themselves. They don't deserve love - even from themselves. They don't value self. What you value, take care of! Guilt, shame and fear keep many from examining themselves and their lives too closely. There is the belief that one cannot possibly get beyond these concepts. This is an enormous risk into the unknown. But until some of these issues are examined, many women will continue to look to people, places, activities and possessions - still connected with negative behavior and dangerous risk-taking - to fill the void. Addiction and negative behavior are parts of a personal puzzle. So many facets of a person's life are inter-connected and inter-locked. The personal puzzle may be distorted with pieces jammed where they don't belong. From a distance the puzzle may appear OK, but close up the picture doesn't look right. Recognition of the jammed or stuck pieces, begins the process of self-awareness. Who we are as individuals, right now, is the result of a very complex process. What has brought us to this place in our development? Family is certainly important to one's development. If a family is in distress, the children will be affected. Personalities and belief systems are created, in part, by the family. Parts of the personal puzzle involve family, peer groups, economics, education, religion, media, society, etc. What fits and what is out of place? What do you want to keep in your life and what do you not need any more? This class is not a recovery group or a 12-Step Program. It is an attempt to gather information - to learn that we can begin to examine our personal puzzle. We can begin to see where we are not out of focus, distorted or stuck in our thinking. We can begin to sense where we lack appropriate coping skills and where we have to "unlearn" some behavior. Self-awareness is not an "all or nothing" process. The group learns that self-awareness evolves. Disclosure and recognition of self is a frightening prospect. With time, the women see that they can get through the experience, and live to tell about it. This class makes every effort to provide support and safety for those undertaking this positive risk. I believe that "self-esteem" is a feeling of competence. Self-knowledge is a cornerstone of competence. How we are treated today and in the future is within our control. We can't change the past, but we don't have to keep repeating it. Sources: Willpower's Not Enough - Arnold Washton, Ph., Donua Boundy, M.S.W Healing the Addictive Mind - Lee Jampolsky, Ph.D B. THE CLASS Each class is composed of approximately fifteen women. The group meets for three hours every weekday for three months. The requirements for this class are motivation and at least a sixth-grade literacy level. Women are recommended for this program by Family Violence, Substance Abuse Programs (ASAT), teachers and counselors. Some women write directly to tell me they are interested and wish to be considered. Diversity of age, ethic group, sexual preference and length of sentence or time incarcerated is a plus. Most of the women who apply or who are recommended for the class have reached a place and time in their life where they are willing to risk a clearer look at themselves and their world. They want to begin to learn what makes them tick. Some have realized that their "old ways" haven't worked very well. Some may be frightened for their future while some may have matured and become less defensive. Other women may have benefited from counseling and other support groups and want to continue the process of self - discovery. "Life is a persistent teacher. It will keep repeating lessons until we learn." GROUND RULES FOR THOSE PARTICIPATING IN CHOICES & CHANGES 1. CONFIDENTIALITY What is said in this class, STAYS in this class! 2. RESPECT No one in this class has to be "friends" but we must respect each class member and her individual journey toward self awareness. All class members will have a similar goal but some may use different routes to reach that goal. 3. DON'T LET HURT FEELINGS LINGER - SPEAK UP SO THE PROBLEM CAN BE RESOLVED. NO ONE CAN READ YOUR MIND! 4. ONLY ONE PERSON TALKS AT A TIME. 5. NO SELF PUT-DOWNS 6. THERE ARE NO "RIGHT" OR "WRONG" ANSWERS, ATTITUDES OR RESPONSES Whatever way a person is feeling is "OK" for that individual. You yourself might feel differently in a similar situation, but that does not deny the reality of the other person's feelings. 7. NO RIDICULING OR CRITICIZING WHICH PUTS OTHER PEOPLE DOWN. "It is the big choices we make that set our direction. It is the smallest choices we make that get us to our destination." C. THE BEGINNING Every group is different and develops its own energy and momentum. Some women can come together and easily establish a caring, non - judgemental environment. Other groups have a more difficult time finding their equilibrium. Over and over again the group will need to reaffirm itself and its reason for being. I have found that each person in the group is a good mirror for the others. A woman who is very fragmented, defensive or stuck in her thinking is valuable to those who recognize these aspects in themselves. Women who are energized and eager to explore are wonderful incentives for those more cautious or threatened. Eventually each group finds its own way of caring and sharing and each believes that it is the most "special" Choices class ever. It is special because it has learned to respect the individual and appreciate the individual process of growth and awareness. I believe that most individuals carry within themselves a "healthy self" or at least the potential for a "healthy self". Class members, when asked what they want to do to take care of themselves in a positive way, know what they need to do but may not know how to do it, or they may fear the risk and discomfort involved with change. They may not know their options, or how to cope and problem - solve. They may fear that change is not possible for them because they believe that they do not have the personal energy or power for positive change. This is where information (reading and handouts), discussions, and journal-work help people begin to see where they are stuck. We read about and discuss "sabotaging" behavior. We look into what behaviors have been repeated again and again - sometimes almost literally to the point of death. We begin to explore what it is we really want and why positive change is so scary. ("I may fail." "I may not be perfect.") We talk about the "masks" and attitudes that we have found necessary to carry. Are they still necessary? And how did all this start in the first place? D. PROBLEM SOLVING I begin each day by asking if anyone "needs" the class. Anyone who has a problem or wants "input" may speak up. She is asked to briefly and clearly state the problem. Her choices, options, and insights are listed on the board. I limit each problem to about fifteen minutes. The person with the problem learns: She can articulate the problem; She can seek help; She can be specific about what she needs; She can sort through various alternatives offered by the class; She can trust; She is not being rescued. How she handles her situation remains with her. To conclude, I always ask, "What do you think you need to do to handle this problem?" Those in the group learn: They can think clearly and use their Adult (A); They can offer different and various options - not just one; They can help without rescuing or enabling; That often there is not just one way to problem-solve; That it is not their job to become impatient or follow-up; That they can trust; That very often other women have problems similar to their own; That some problems take time to work through, that there is no "quick fix." E. TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS (TA) The TA model works for me as a learning tool because its language or "jargon" is quite visual and non-threatening. The Parent (P), Adult (A), and Child (C) are easily learned and it is easy to recognize how these ego-states influence behavior. The women learn a common vocabulary which help conceptualize thinking, self-talk and self-image. Mutual understanding of words, phrases and concepts can save much time and energy and also help unify the class. (Words commonly used in TA include: labels, tapes, messages, scripts, games, stamps, boundaries, contamination, etc.). Recognition and use of the Adult (A) is very useful. I equate the A with Dr. Spock of television's "Star Trek." The A is not emotional or defensive. It is logical and non-judgmental. The A can reason, filter information, talk and hear about almost anything without becoming defensive. The A can be called into use when tempers flare or problems seem unsolvable. TA Sources: Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy - Eric Berne, MD Games People Play - Eric Berne, MD What Do You Say After You Say Hello - Eric Berne, MD Born To Win - James and Jongeward Celebrate Yourself - Dorothy Briggs Scripts People Live - Claude Steiner I'm OK - You're OK - Thomas Harris, MD F. FAMILY FOCUS In order to better parent ourselves (and our children) we need to emphasize and nurture a belief-system including: 1. A sense of significance: The knowledge that we matter as people and that we are worth attention and love. 2. A sense of competence: The confidence (self-esteem) that we can accomplish most of our goals and make positive things happen. The belief that we can think and trust our reasoning, that we can handle moderate frustration and can exercise self -discipline. 3. A sense of realism: The ability to be realistic in our perceptions of ourselves, our abilities and our world. 4. A sense of individuality: The knowledge that we are uniquely ourselves and we can value this *uniqueness. 5. A coherent set of values and ethics: What is right and what is wrong? What are my priorities? What is important in life? "When we are small children our parents are seen as gods. Their view of us and our world is our reality. You are rare indeed if you had parents, teachers, friends completely free and without hang-ups. They each saw you through eyes distorted by their own particular needs. These distortions often prevented their seeing the Real you. As an adult now, you see yourself largely through borrowed Parent (P) tape eyes." The past view of others becomes your present yardstick. Discussion of the Parent (P) ego state leads easily into how we were parented and how we do - or do not - parent ourselves. We do considerable journal-work and talk at length about our past: How was I viewed within the family? How was I labeled? What were the family expectations for me - spoken and unspoken? What are some family "stories" about me and what are their implications? What were, or are, our family secrets and why? Looking at the past is not done to cast blame or to see oneself as a "victim". Most women love their family and other significant people who helped raise them. However, to see who they are today, they must see what baggage they carry from our past. All families are less than perfect and no one starts out to be a bad parent. Parents-to-be have dreams and hopes for their children. "Every parent and teacher does the best he or she can at any given moment in view of their past experiences, inner and outer pressures, needs and hang - ups. That "best" may or may not have met your emotional needs.... Nurturing is like feeding. If others had little or nothing in their cupboards and I was hungry, they could not adequately feed me. Before blaming, I need to be aware that the only reason some significant person trying to nurture me fell short, is that someone in that person's life did not stock his or her cupboard with "goodies." That person's bucket was empty in some way and he or she was unaware of this lack. What they did not give me, they did not have to give because of their own lack or deficits." (Celebrate Yourself - Dorothy Briggs, Doubleday, 1977) So, if we weren't well-parented as a child, what can we do about it now? Awareness of what was provided and what was lacking in a family is important information. A woman can begin to think about whether she is, or is not, taking care of herself. What habits and old behaviors, that may once have been necessary, is she still relying on? Some of these behaviors can seem to be almost involuntary ("just the way I am") but though talking and information women see that they do have more choice and freedom than they thought. Is it necessary to be rigid in order to be strong? The more fear and chaos that surrounded a child, the more she, as an adult, tries to take control by rigid behavior and attempts to control others. One of the strongest trees is bamboo. Its strength lies in its flexibility. It is very difficult to snap. When a person is feeling fragile, though tough on the outside, flexibility seems dangerous. "I might break apart." Some women may keep their rigid behavior for the three months of class. However, I believe they can begin to conceptualize the possibility of a new system for self. During this section of the class we read and discuss dysfunction within families and at the same time look at what "healthy" families provide. What is age - appropriate structure and discipline? What are boundaries? What is nurturing without over - protection? What is respect and, most important, what is self - responsibility? Sources: Celebrate Yourself - Dorothy Briggs Healthy Parenting - Janet Woititz, Ed.D. Toxic Parents - Susan Forward Trusting Ourselves - Karen Johnson, MD, & Tom Ferguson, MD (A Sourcebook on Psychology of Women) Adult Children of Alcoholics - Janet Woititz, Ed.D. The Dilemma of Love - Susan Ricketson G. DENIAL, RESCUING AND ENABLING - CO-DEPENDENCY Denial occurs when people blind themselves to the fact that there is a problem. It is the inability to see the harmful consequences of certain behaviors. It is seductive and comforting and a means of evading the stress and pain of the real world. Enabling is supporting negative behavior by not forcing a person to confront the consequences of her behavior. Rescuing occurs when people try to keep the "problem" safely tucked away. They protect and "cover" the troubled behavior. They write the excuses, pay the money, make the phone calls and absorb the anxiety of the problem. Meanwhile, the person with the problem is off the hook. She has someone else doing all the work. The Choices class examines these behaviors to see how they are woven into their lives. Many find that as children they were enabled/rescued. Some admit that they still actively search for rescuers as friends and lovers. Without their rescuers they feel isolated, weak and scared. Parents and friends often enable behavior out of guilt, fear and love. Guilt Parents, family or friends may blame themselves for their children's behavior - single parent, divorce, job pressures, their own risky behaviors, etc. Children come to depend on this guilt-induced rescuing behavior and quickly learn to manipulate their enablers. Fear Some parents/family are afraid and fear they may have already lost control of their children. They will back down from any confrontation with the child. They may fear violence or "making the situation worse." Love Parents and family love their children and don't want to see them get hurt, so they intervene and "protect" them from any logical consequences of negative behavior. These parents don't understand that they are only delaying the inevitable. The more they enable in the name of love, the worse the consequences will be when and if the child, teen or adult faces up to herself or her activities. Women in this class need to ask themselves: Who were/are my enablers or rescuers? How dependent am I on family, friends and society? Are there other "addicted" people in my family? Am I an enabler for others? Who? How is my sense of well-being tied to my control of others? As I grow stronger and assume responsibility for my activities, will there be family/friends that need me to remain dependent so they can rescue me? Sources: What's Wrong With Me? - Lonny Owen How To Tell If Your Kids Are Using Drugs - Timothy Dimoff, Steve Carper Healthy Parenting - Janet Woititz, Ed.D Recovery From Rescuing - Jacqueline Castine H. THE JOURNAL I used to give each woman a composition book and ask that she write about what she was thinking and feeling during the three months that the class met. The journals were private and rarely talked about in class. Most woman wrote regularly for the first week and then stopped. I now give about two journal assignments a week and what the women write they read in class. Some may skip over portions that they feel are too private, but most read their written assignment in its entirety. Writing exercises are very helpful because they help focus thinking: -What is the assignment? -How does this particular assignment relate to me and what we have been doing in class? -How much do I want to tell? -What must I not reveal and why? -Am I writing truth or lies? -What if I start to feel sad or cry in class? Most of the women in these groups are very verbal and masters of the "verbal backtrack." ("Oh, that's not what I meant to say!") However, when a women reads what she has written there is no backtracking. And there is time to read a paragraph again and examine why she used certain words or wrote about certain incidents. To most of the women, writing does not come as easily as the spoken word. Writing leads them to conceptualize differently. After a woman has read her journal entry I ask the class, "What do you hear her saying?" What some of the listeners hear may come as a complete surprise to the writer. Sample Journal Assignments Write your autobiography. Be sure to include three positive and three negative traits you want the class to know about you. Write about one person (dead or alive) with whom you liked to spend time as a child. Why? Be very specific. List your worries or fears. Are there any worries that you can do something about now? Are there worries that have to be on "hold" for now or until you are released? Are any worries or fears irrational? What masks do you wear? What do they hide? Do you remember how old you were when you first put a mask on? Is it still necessary to wear it? Family: Describe your family. Describe your primary care-givers. How did they treat you? What aspects of them (positive and negative) do you carry with you today? What were the family expectations for you, said and unsaid? How were you labeled as a young child, pre-teen, teen and adult? Any "messages" surrounding you? What are some family stories about you? What is their implication? How were you disciplined or not disciplined? What did you learn? How did you have to take care of your family? What was the level of physical or verbal violence within your family? What is your level today? Who were/are your enablers or rescuers? Are you a rescuer? Who are you rescuing and why? Write a letter to an eleven-year-old girl telling her what you wish you had known at eleven. Education, sex, family, friends, etc. Be very specific. What specific behavior gets you into trouble? What kind of thinking (self-talk) sets you up to fail? Is it located in the Child (C) or Parent (P)? Write a letter of intent (goals) to be accomplished within the next two years, step by step. Be very specific and look for a lot of class input when you are finished. Are any reasonable and necessary goals overlooked? Are the goals realistic? Include behavioral goals as well as practical goals. Write a letter to your family or a family member telling them what you will, or will not do, within context of family. (Not to be mailed). What type of man/woman are you attracted to? What characteristics do you look for? How lasting are your relationships? How are you treated? How do you treat your partner? How do you argue or disagree? What behaviors are used to control or manipulate? Who loves the most? Who is the peace maker? What did you used to do for FUN on the outside? Was the fun dangerous? Did it hurt others? Why was it fun? Be specific. "Half of getting what you want is knowing what you must give up in order to get it." What does this mean to you? Be specific. Before you were arrested, did any of your negative behavior give you self-esteem? How good or competent were you at these behaviors? Were you proud of them? (Boosting, conning, drug behavior, etc.). Write about any positive activity or skills that you are proud of. Did it take time and self-discipline to learn? Do you still use it or practice it today? If not, why? What is important to you now? What kind of life do you want to create for yourself (whether in jail or out) with regard to family, kids, recovery, money, relationships, behavior, etc? Are your goals realistic? It is important that the teacher/facilitator keep reminding the class to be specific. "I want to be happy." "I want to be a good mother." The teacher needs to question what the word "happy" means to the individual. What does she need to be "happy"? What is a "good" mother? What specific skills might she be lacking? These "universal" words don't mean much until they are given personal meaning. I. EMOTIONS Part of self-awareness is learning that we can and do encompass many, many feelings, emotions and opinions. Change is a large part of growth. A lot of rigid, negative behavior comes as a result of "stuffing" feelings, thoughts and self. Stuffing results in extremes of behavior - anything from angry outbursts to lack of affect. Depression and suicide are related to stuffing. Any of the addictions act as a form of anesthesia when feelings begin to surface. When we look at our family system and how we grew up, it is often easy to see how stuffing began. If our world was very unpredictable or non-supportive, stuffing may have been a necessary defense. But in the present, when a woman wants some choice and flexibility in her life, she may have no idea who she really is because she is not sure of what she wants and what she feels. I don't use any exercises or games to tap into feelings. Learning to be aware of who we are and what we feel is done cautiously and gently. Many women hate to cry or show hurt except through anger. But tears are shed in this class. A woman may grieve her past life and the hurt she has caused others. Women often talk about the anger and rage they feel. Rage with regard to abuse and neglect often requires extensive therapy. When feelings seem overwhelming or out of control, I will suggest and help find additional counseling and support. Often people involved with addictions are afraid to feel. In this class, the women find that they can experience and can support others who are experiencing a range of emotion. They can begin to recognize and experience feelings which put them in touch with who they really are. For some it is an important lesson. No one needs to be strong all the time and the ability to express self appropriately and safely is a sign of positive strength. Learning to live with our emotions, good and bad, is a cornerstone of competence. When we block out the bad, we often block out the good as well. Sometimes members of the class do get angry with one another. Voices are raised and feelings escalate: 1. I encourage them to be quiet and say, "Start again so she will be able to hear you." Rephrase. I have said this as many as three or four times in a single afternoon. 2. I ask the women to move into their Adult (A). When the A is functioning, there is no one to fight. 3. I ask or tell them to stop. The class moves ahead and I will bring up the issue during the next class. By then the feelings will have lost some of their intensity and we can look at the explosion. It is important for the women to realize that when chaos emerges and voices escalate - no one is heard. 4. Sometimes a woman storms out. I let her go. When she returns to the next class, we explore why she left and what she accomplished. 5. Appropriate expression of anger, hurt and happiness is part of living and it is a learned skill. 6. Anger is a convenient cover-up for sadness. We can get a hold on anger and shake it. Sadness hurts and we feel weak and vulnerable. I often ask, "Why did you get so hurt?" instead of "Why did you get so angry?" 7.I have never experienced any physical violence or threats in this class. J. SPECIAL TIMES Every Friday is movie day. We kick back and relax, have some popcorn and watch a movie. Some women do not realize they can spend their time watching a "good" movie. I try to bring in a video that expands awareness and explores different kinds of love, coping skills, individual growth and change. These include: Glory The Accused Dog Fight The Power of One Of Mice and Men Ramblin' Rose South Central Soldier's Story Do The Right Thing My Left Foot Children of a Lesser God Dominic and Eugene, etc. I have one party for each class - Halloween, Valentine's Day - whatever the calendar brings. Each women picks a name out of a hat and makes a special card for that person. The cards are often amazingly artistic and thoughtful. Each is encouraged to bring some contribution to the party - food, Kool-Aid, ice, candy. We once had a party with rice pudding, baked fish, Cheetos, Tootsie Pops and Kool-Aid. The food is not important. It is important that everyone contributes what she can. Dancing, singing, cooking and artistic skills always emerge during these parties. Thoughtfulness, sensitivity and fun are the focus. K. CLOSURE AND GRADUATION Ending a class is bitter-sweet. I believe it is important to ritualize the closure. On the day before graduation, we sit in our customary circle and I ask each woman to express any regrets or hurt feelings she may have experienced during our three months. Only she speaks and there is no cross-talk or rebuttal. I then ask each woman to express her gratitude to the class or to individual class members. Again, no cross-talk. To finish, we remember our first days together and our early impressions of each other. Lots of laughs, but *the lesson learned is that we can get along with just about anyone if we respect their individuality. For graduation, each woman writes a short speech about one insight or awareness that has had impact on her. The speeches are short and specific and real - no sugar-coating. Each rehearsed speech emphasizes that this class is just one step in a continuing process of self-evaluation and evolution. For graduation the women wear a white blouse and state-issue skirt or pants. They sit as a class facing the audience. Graduates from other Choices classes attend, as well as civilian teachers and counselors. We finish with pride and the knowledge that there are no easy answers. L. IN CONCLUSION..... It is not my "training" or any psychobabble that is important. It is the belief that change is possible for those women who are willing to work for it and risk new behaviors. It is the belief that most women know what is good for them but they are locked into old habits and stuck thinking. Create your own curriculum and teaching philosophy. What do you want to do? How much time do you have? Is your intent or goal and the time allotted compatible? Information for handouts and discussion is everywhere. Newspapers, magazines, TV, library, self-help books, etc. There is so much available it is difficult not to be overwhelmed. Be certain you make clear to the class your purpose for each handout and perhaps underline or point out the most important parts. This will help clarify your purpose for those who are not strong readers. It is important for the facilitator to be "real." She/he is as much a part of the circle as any other member. It's important for the group to understand that even "teachers" don't know everything. "Learning what to choose, and how to choose, may be the most important education you will receive." |
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