Preparing Children For Prison Visits:

A Developmental Guide

Pre-Schoolers:

2 1/2- 4year olds

Children Will:

Practice lots of skills like fine motor skills (drawing, digging, etc.).

Begin to express anger in words. (“You’re not my friend.”  “I hate you.”)

Point out discrepancies in familiar events.

Insist on being the center of attention and interrupt adult conversations.

Enjoy being read to.

Wonder about the incarcerated parent’s daily life: when and where they sleep, eat, go to the bathroom, etc.

Practice their emotional separateness by being oppositional and defiant.

Ask many questions.

Before the Visit

Caregivers Can:

Read children letters from parents.

Send drawings to parents.

Give autonomy, power and choices when appropriate so child can accept not having power or choice when grownups are in control.

Be clear about whether or not the child does have a choice. Habits that adults have in using words can be very confusing to children:

When adults ask,

”Are you ready to go?”

or

“Can you give dad a hug?”

or

“Let’s go now, ok?,”

children get the idea that they have a choice.

If you are willing to accept, “No, I don’t want to “

or

“I am not ready”

as a response from the child, then your questions are OK

If you really mean to say “We are going now, this is not a choice,” then say that!

During Visits Parents Can:

Accept angry feelings and set limits on aggressive behavior. “You look like you are mad at me and you don’t like me being here do you?” is a way of letting children know that you get it that they are upset.

”Even though you are very angry, you are not allowed to hit me, if you hit me again you may have to leave and see me next time.” is a way of enforcing rules even though you will not want them to leave.

Be careful not to say that you will leave as a consequence. And remember, the anger isn’t bad, the child isn’t bad…just the hitting is bad.

Sing songs together.

Play classification word games (all things that are fruit…).

Understand that it is hard for pre-schoolers to be “quiet.”

Draw pictures with your child or talk about pictures they have sent you.

Give many choices and accept pre-schoolers’ tastes and preferences even when they are choices made only to be opposite from you.

Answer children’s questions as best you can. Don’t be afraid to talk about your daily life.