Children of Prisoners Library

Children of Prisoners Library

www.fcnetwork.org Facts and Issues: CPL 105

Visiting Mom or Dad

The Child's Perspective
By Ann Adalist-Estrin	PDF version

2nd edition: originally published in 1989 by the Parent Resource Association.

The decision of whether or not to take children to visit parents in jail or prison is a hard one. It depends on finances, prison policy, transportation, distance and the preference of the parent behind bars. Studies do show that most children manage the crisis of parental incarceration better when they visit their parents. Usually, it takes time for them to cope with the feelings that the visits raise, though. While not visiting is sometimes easier on the emotions in the short run, out of sight is not out of mind.

Distance leaves a lot of confusion, questions, imagined dangers and fears for kids to deal with. These feelings may show up in problem behaviors at home, school or both and can be harmful to the child over time.

Children depend on their adult caregivers to make the experience of visiting parents in prison as stress free as possible.

Know the Rules

Knowing visiting rules and regulations, including where to go and what to bring, is an important part of the adult’s preparation for a prison visit. These preparations can make the visit and the post visit reaction easier for the child.

Children need preparation as well. First, it is important to share with the child as much as is appropriate, according to the child’s age, about what the visit will be like. Tell the child: how long the ride is, if correctional officers will be in uniforms, what the inmate parent will be wearing, details about the search process for getting in and guidelines for going to the bathroom and using vending machines.

Some of this information can best be obtained from prisoner parents. Prisoners can tell caregivers what they will be wearing, and if there are any changes in their physical appearance since the last time the child saw them.

Some information can be obtained from the prison, especially about visiting hours and what you can take in. Caregivers may also tell children how they will go to the prison, how long the trip will take and if there is money for snacks. When the experience matches children’s expectations, they will be less anxious.

Know the Child

How long can the child sit? Are there choices of time of day to go? How long in advance do they need to begin to discuss the visit? Some children (those with slow-to-warm-up temperaments) take a long time to adapt and adjust to people, places, and ideas or plans. They need days or weeks of talking about the visit to be ready. Other children with very persistent and non-distractible temperaments may become too anxious if the preparations begin too far in advance. Discussing the visit only a day or two ahead of time may work better for them.

Incarcerated parents can also help. They can write to their child telling them all about what the visits will be like. They can be in touch with caregivers in advance to be filled in on the child’s daily life and make lists of things to talk about in the visit.

Plan to Talk

What to talk about in the visit is often a real challenge for the children and their parents and caregivers. Children are afraid if they tell their parent about life on the outside, it will make them sad. Parents may be worried that if they talk about life inside, the children will be scared or bored. But, it is OK to talk about every day life. That is what children and parents are missing and needing.

Caregivers also need to know how to talk to children after visits. Ask them about what they remembered or liked best about the visit and also about what they didn’t like or what was hard to say. This will let them know that it is OK to talk about their parents. It will also prepare them for the next visit.

Some caregivers may have trouble separating their feelings about the prisoner and the crime from the child’s feelings. When this happens, children have trouble expressing their own feelings–from fear of upsetting the caregiver. In some cases, it becomes necessary to seek professional guidance and counseling.

Have Realistic Expectations
The charts on the following linked pages gives guidelines on how to prepare children of different ages for visits:

Infants: 0-6 Months

Older Babies: 7-13 Months

Toddlers: 14-30 Months

Pre-Schoolers: 2 1/2- 4 Year Olds

School Age: 6-12 Year Olds

A Child’s First Visit

If the facility is geographically near, and several visits will be possible within a short time after the initial incarceration, it is probably best if the adult (custodial parent, foster parent, social worker) visits alone the first time. In that way, s/he will be able to describe the facility to the child, assure the child of the parent’s health and safety, and prepare better for the visit.
It is important to take time to talk to the incarcerated parent about the importance of focusing her/his attention on the child. Give the prisoner parent ideas for things to talk about related to the child’s interests and feelings.
This pamphlet and others in the Children of Prisoners Library (CPL) can help prisoners prepare for visits. Since most prisoners do not have access to the Internet, friends and family can help by mailing CPL materials to them.
If it is not possible to make a “pre-visit”, try to ask the inmate about the facility and the visiting rules, or speak to someone who has visited the institution, and get as much information as you can about the entry process. How long is the wait? What does the visiting room look like? What is available to eat? If you don’t know anyone, call the facility.
Since many visiting rooms have nothing to help you amuse a child, try to think of imaginative ways to keep the child engaged while waiting and while visiting. For ideas, see CPL 107, Communication Tips. CPL 103: Conversations - Questions Children Ask, can also be helpful.

Two Final Thoughts

The known is always easier than the imagined…when possible, be truthful.

It is usually easier to leave than to be left. If possible let children leave the visit before the parent returns to their unit or cell.

About the Children of Prisoners Library (CPL)
Pamphlets may be downloaded without charge from the Family and Corrections Network (FCN) web site, www.fcnetwork.org. Duplication is permitted and encouraged, so long as the materials are not altered or sold. Sorry, FCN is not budgeted to mail free copies. Send comments to The Children of Prisoners Library at FCN, 32 Oak Grove Road, Palmyra, VA 22963, 434/589-3036, 434/589-6520 Fax, fcn@fcnetwork.org. Copyright Family and Corrections Network, 2003.

In Appreciation
The Children of Prisoners Library is supported by a grant from the Robert Wood Johnston Foundation with additional support from the Catholic Campaign for Human Development, the Jack DeLoss Taylor Charitable Trust and the Heidtke Foundation. We are also grateful to our sponsoring organizations: Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc.-Southern Region, Children and Family Networks, Hour Children, The National Practitioners Network for Fathers and Families and The Osborne Association. Special thanks to the Osborne Association for permission to revise and publish material from the three volume set of pamphlets, How Can I Help?

The Children of Prisoners Library was written by Ann Adalist-Estrin, who adapted material from How Can I Help and authored other materials in the Children of Prisoners Library. It was edited and published by Jim Mustin.