Family & Corrections Network

THE NORTH AMERICAN CONFERENCE ON FATHERS BEHIND BARS & ON THE STREET

Oliver Williams' Keynote Address:

Considering the influence of fathers as models and mentors. The impacts of partner violence on the lessons children learn

(Keynote Address at the North American Conference on Fathers Behind Bars and on the Street, September 13-15, 2000, Durham, NC)

I am so happy to be invited to speak with you today. I admire the work of so many people doing this work who I have gotten to know over the past several years such as Preston Garrison, Joe Jones, Dwaine Simms, David Pate and Jackie Boggess, Pam Wilson and John Wilson to name a few.

One of the things I value about the work you are doing is that it focuses on how important fathers are in the lives of their children. And that there is a difference between a dad and a father. Fathers take responsibility not only in contributing to their child's life financially, emotionally and in other ways, but the best fathers are the one's who prepare themselves so they can optimize their capacity to parent.

(Show slides)

For this presentation I began to think about how fathers and mentors shape how people develop insights, view the world and live in the world. I began to think about the forces that shape a person's life from generation to generation. As you know, it is important to have fathers in children's lives. Their presence can be healing. As a result, I started to look at my grandfather's influence on my dad's life, his as well as my brothers' influence on my life and my influence on my son's life. I wanted to begin by sharing some of that and some of the messages I have taken from them. As I have reflected, I invite you to reflect on the lessons you have learned from fathers, father figures and mentors.

My grandfather to my Dad and his sons:
·Family is important!

·Be a family man!

·Take care of your family!

·Love your children and be a good example for them!

·I love you

·I believe in you!

My father to me
·Work hard!

·Don't be afraid to take a job you hate-- view it as a stepping stone until it leads to something better that you love!

·Provide for your family

·Love your partner

·Love your children

·Show affection

·Be unconditional with your love for them

·Laugh -- a lot

·Have faith in God and in your people

·Don't be afraid to help your fellow man when you can-- it is your responsibility

·I'm proud of you

·I love you

·I believe in you


My two brothers -

Robert Lee -- watching him with his two sons and with me:
·Be there for your family

·Set limits for your children

·Be consistent with your children

·Do what you say you will do

·Make the money

·Take pleasure in small things

·I love you

·I'm proud of you

·I believe in you


Maceo
·Be there for you family

·Remember your roots

·Never forget your Dad and what he would expect from you

·Rejoice in your family

·Watch out for your siblings as if they were your own children

·Rejoice in your baby brother's accomplishments and watch out for him if he stumbles

·I love you

·I believe in you

My mentor
·You have the potential

·If I can do it so can you

·Watch me and learn

·Take a step

·I believe in you

Me to my son
·You are an absolute blessing to me

·Work hard

·Believe in God

·Learning is important

·Love yourself

·Love and take care of your mother

·Expand your horizon

·Don't sweat the small stuff

·Try to live a balanced life

·I love you

·I believe in you

I invite you to reflect on what things you carry with you due to the influence of people or your environment. Did not have pictures of my many mentors' After my dad died, Mr. Foster, In college Mr. Englman, at may first job Mr. Bob Fitzgerald and Mr. Glen Brooks, at University of Minnesota, Drs. Paul Rosenblatt & Jerry Beker to name a few. Certainly there have been a number of women who were mentors Like Mrs. Miller my high School counselor. But I wanted to keep it brief to make my point about fathers and father figures.

Fathers, father figures and models as mentors:
1.Have an idea or dreams of what they want as a finished product among their mentees prior to doing the work

2.Have a sense of how to be successful at achieving that product

3.Are able to talk about very, difficult situations in authentic ways

4.Never collude with improper behavior

5.Tell mentees the truth even, if the truth is difficult

6.Are available to those who need it

7.Are in places where the potential pool of mentees are

8.Provide a message in a way that it can be heard

9.Show appropriate concern and affection

10.Believe in their mentees capacity to achieve, grow and to change

11.Teach that there are consequences for improper behaviors—with immediate family (partner and children), in the community, with extended family relationships, with friends and acquaintances

12.Teach that manhood is shaped by the capacity to value the dignity of self and others; particularly the people we profess to love

What is the definition of mentoring from Webster's dictionary?
A mentor is someone of goodwill who helps mentees to plan his or her work. They are an experienced and a trusted advisor. And, they freely, support and help their mentees.

This definition was okay but I felt it did not fully capture and describe this concept enough for me. Have you had a mentor? See whether you agree with some additional ways to improve on Mr. Webster's definition.

Characteristic of the mentor
1.They are invested in their mentee

2.Leads by example

3.Their life is a testimony of what they teach

4.They are wise associated with the area they teach

5.Their wisdom comes from experience

6.They don't have to be perfect

7.Active mentors take people under their wing

8.Passive mentor are aware they are being observed and influence others

9.A mentor teaches even when the mentee does not know there is a lesson to be learned


Characteristics of the mentee
1.Some wants to be taught while others are reluctant students

2.Open to suggestions even when they don't fully agree or understand

3.Willing to try new things

4.Trust the model: leadership, words, behavior, and experience.

5.Mentees become independent and develop their own vision that has been shaped by the mentor influence

6.In a crisis they will look to the mentor for advise, counsel and wisdom

In my work with men who batter I have found that many of the men I have worked with either have not had mentors or have not had mentors who are able to help them with this crisis. With many people who work with men who batter, I think they are mentors and teach them how to address this problem in their life. Some of these men are not fathers but many are fathers. There has tended to be a gap in the discussion of fatherhood in the domestic violence field and visa versa. If we believe it is important to help men heal and be available to their children we must close the gap.

In your work with fathers incarcerated or not you also mentor to these men and ultimately teach them to be mentors. I think your work is so important because you help fathers to prepare and overcome barriers to their capacity to parent. Not only do you address the real systemic barriers that impede his capacity to parent such as biased laws and attitudes that disadvantage them but you address, the impact of racism, incarceration and poverty on a father's capacity to parent. As importantly, you focus on those internal/ personal issues some fathers bring to the table that interfere with his capacity to contribute to their child's emotional well-being. You address challenging issues with these men like substance abuse, criminal behavior and its impact on parenting, manhood development and parental readiness. A few fatherhood programs are also beginning to address family violence. Addressing these behaviors is viewed as expanding a father's capacity to contribute to his child's life. I believe that we who work with men are surrogate fathers, father figures and mentors to those men, although we also learn much from them. You are mentors to them and you teach them to be mentors to their children.

The title of the presentation is
Considering the influence of fathers as models and mentors: The impacts of partner violence on the lessons' children learn

Intro:
What I want to talk about three things today. First, I want to talk about fathers' as healers and contributors to their child's life. Secondly, how partner violence among those fathers who abuse can impede their capacity to be a healer and contributor. Finally, I also wanted to talk to you about redemption. That is, when a man has been abusive, what it takes to change and help his children deal with the impact of the violence and how to mentor men around non-violent behavior. Associated with this are themes from incarcerated men about their view of the intersection of fatherhood and domestic violence.

Those fathers who abuse can impede their capacity to be a healer and contributor

We must be able to develop a language around this issue associated with the intersection of domestic violence, parenting and fatherhood. On the one hand we must explore when women and children are in danger and examine how to protect them. In contrasted, we must also realize not all situations result in the death and we must respect when women and children want to maintain a relationship with the father even though he has had a history of abuse. But fathering mentors must help to teach him how to be with children, partners and ex-partner without intimidation or abuse.

Redemption

If we believe that there are men who have been violent who can change we must also prepare them for change. First, we must be willing to have an honest discussion with them about the violence and its impact on children. And even if she is in appropriate, uses violence and is conflict provoking, violence and abuse is still not the most appropriate response to address the situation. Increasing his problem solving skills is often the best way to approach this situation.

(Show the father/batterer video)

Summary comment: Honesty about the impact of one's behavior is what leads to the road to change. You can't change others only yourself. Beware your children are watching.
·When violence has occurred children are often affected—aggressive behavior, as adolescents they begin to intervene in violent situations and attack the aggressor who often is the father.

·When we mentor to these men we teach them that they can have an impact on reshaping their child's behavior.

·In some programs they discuss how you talk with your child about the violence and overtime undo the influence of the exposure to the violence.

Comments of incarcerated men about the causes and solutions to domestic violence

Interviews with recently incarcerated African American men about domestic violence causes and solutions

Fatherhood/Parenthood themes
Why does domestic violence occur?
·E.g., when a father is upset that he has not achieved his goal in life he makes everyone in the house pay for it.

·I was violent because I had an identity crisis... I needed to know who I was and what my history was but no one spoke to me about it.

·No one taught me how to be a man.

·I was angry about some things and was not taught how to deal with it

·I saw my father being abusive to my mother said I would never be an abuser... and I did the same things he did.

·Learned violence in family ... parents did not allow anger to be expressed... when these men were children ... male parental role model was in control and abusive.

·As adults men begin to express the anger that we were not allowed to express as children due to parental control.


Solutions
·Men need to take time to relate to younger generation.

·You must get men who are the biological fathers to take responsibility for providing guidance to their sons ... if they have not been good fathers they must start to educate

·If you have never been taught to be a good father you must learn.

·Don't turn your child over to an institution to teach him ... rather he must learn from ... family, community, friends but there are things we must do ourselves as fathers and seek out those healthy places in the community for this to occur ... we have to regain the moral ground in the community. We must teach our children not to be violent.

·Men need to be models for younger generation, in their life experiences, in their environment.

·Be there for little kids who have a story to tell.

·For young men to go to older men for guidance

·For older men to be able to go to younger men and offer guidance

·'Our success is dependent on how we teach our younger generation to think" W.E.B Du Bois

This is very close to how I began our discussion concerning the characteristic of mentor. We need to include domestic violence in our discussion about mentoring, manhood and healthy families. In the work done to create healthy fathering relationships with partners, ex-partner and children, when violence has been an issue for those particular fathers, please lets mentor them to end their physical and emotional violence. The only thing I would add is that we need more examples of men who have changed to help tell their stories of change. We need to hear more from children exposed to violence to discuss the effect it has had on them. We need to hear from men and women who team parent and learn to respect each other and promote the well being of their children and how they put the violence, the anger and abuse behind them. These cohorts can be mentors to people in the domestic violence and fatherhood fields. And finally, we have to believe that change is possible.

Thank you.