Telling the children

by Lloyd Withers, National Coordinator, Canadian Families and Corrections Network

This article is part of a guide for families and friends visiting in Canadian federal prisons.

It is a difficult decision to tell children that a family member, particularly a parent, is incarcerated. Parental shame or fears that your child will think less of the incarcerated family member can interfere with appropriate discussions. While it is ultimately a parent's or care giver's decision to inform the children, there are several issues that must be considered. Here are some hints:

If children are not given an answer or a plausible explanation, they may fantasize their own explanation to fill the void. Children may blame themselves and feel that they have done something wrong that contributed to the incarcerated parent being absent.

Children are also smart. While they can be convinced that the incarcerated parent or family member is in the hospital, working for the government, on vacation, or in school, the child may become mistrustful or confused by the discrepancy between what they are told and what they experience. Additionally, it is better for a child to find out that a family member is in prison from a care giver rather than in the school yard or in the media.

In telling a child that a family member is in prison, it is important to keep the explanation simple and age- appropriate.

Generally speaking, a 'keep it simple' explanation includes:

a declaration of the incarcerated parent or family member's love and care for the child,

a statement that the incarceration is not related to any fault on the part of the child

that the incarceration is due to the incarcerated parent making a mistake that lead to incarceration
some indication of the duration of the absence of the family member from the child,

a description of any future contact between the incarcerated parent with the child by mail, by phone, or in visitation.

Consideration can be given to include the incarcerated family member during the explanation, if you or the courts decide that there will be parent-child contact inside an institution.

There needs to be preparation and time to answer your child's questions about prison, prison life, the crime, and the safety of the incarcerated parent.

It is better to say 'I don't know' and to find the correct answer for your child.

Some children will not ask questions at the time of the explanation but pose questions over the course of many days as they incorporate the information and any feelings that they may experience.

Children may also need guidance in dealing with stigmatization and teasing that they may experience in the playground. If the child is told to not publicly share information that a parent is incarcerated, the child may need to be given a plausible explanation to share with others.
Children at school are aware and accepting of single parent families and non-custodial parents living in other communities. It may be enough to tell your child to share with others that the parents are separated. It may not be surprising that the responses and concerns of children of incarcerated parents can bear striking similarities to the responses of the children of separating and divorcing parents.

You as a parent or care giver may need to be aware of any attitudes and behaviors that are passed to the children during the explanation. Prisons are not normal places to be and criminal behavior is not appropriate. The process of talking with the children is to normalize their experience and feelings without normalizing prison or crime. It may be important for you to sort through feelings and the explanation that you will use with a care professional.

There are some excellent print resources available to assist in telling children about the incarceration of a family member. These include When Your Parent is in Jail by Maureen Whitbold, When a Parent is in Jail by Stephanie St. Pierre, When Andy's Father went to Prison by Martha Hickman, and Two in every 100 by Meg Chrisman.

Research has shown that children with an incarcerated parent are significantly more likely to become incarcerated themselves. An interruption of a potential cycle of second generation criminal activity is necessary for effective crime prevention. Telling the children may start the process.

Reprinted from Time Together: A survival guide for families and friends visiting in Canadian federal prisons with permission of Lloyd Withers, Author. Copyright 2000 Withers.

Time Together is available at www3.sympatico.ca/cfcn/time.html. A print version of Time Together and the Directory of Canadian Organizations Providing Services to the Families of Adult Offenders can be ordered for $10.00 CA from CFCN Box 35040, Kingston ON K7L 1H2

Incarcerated Fathers Library pamphlets may be downloaded without charge from the Family and Corrections Network (FCN) web site, www.fcnetwork.org. Duplication is permitted and encouraged, so long as the materials are not altered or sold.

A printed set of the ten pamphlets can be ordered for $6.00, shipping included, from FCN at the address below. Ask for FCN REPORT #31 - The Incarcerated Fathers Library. Sorry, FCN is not budgeted to mail free copies.

Send comments to The Incarcerated Fathers Library at FCN, 32 Oak Grove Road, Palmyra, VA 22963, 434/589-3036, 434/589-6520 Fax, fcn@fcnetwork.org.

Copyright Family and Corrections Network, 2002.