FCN: The Wall

by Linda Stanfill

As I drive all the miles along this lonely road
My pain and thoughts are such a heavy load
Twisting and turning, snaking through the years
Memories are flowing down my cheeks bright as tears

I enter a stainless steel world wrought with sorrow
Where men serve time and there's no tomorrow
Zombies sitting, standing, day in and out
They no longer remember what it's about

I join the other families in the long line
Who like the men inside are serving time
Faces a road map of struggle and care
Lined up in front of a door to which they all stare

Finally I go through two heavily locked gates
Knowing inside is where my true love waits
Two hours of words finally spoken
Then it is time to leave our two hearts are broken

In the car I'm back to the miles of lonely road
My prayers are spoken with such a load
Whispers to heaven through a veil of tears
Memories flowing over the sorrow of years

God has a plan, He will work this out I am sure
So while waiting on Him we can endure
Jesus has the power to save and bless
If not at the present, then in Heaven, I guess.

Lord, Heaven sure can be so hard to remember
While walking through these storms of December.
We really need your grace to guide our way
And, too, Lord, sometimes you seem so far away.

I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope. My
soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning: I
say, more than they that watch for the morning.--- Psalm 130:5-6

10/9/99

Valentine Poem for T.

If you think the little "I love you's"
are just a way to end a letter.
If you think the "kisses"
are to help you feel better.
Then drops of water
are only for a splash
And lightning bolts
are just a small brief flash.

For there is something larger
and much more felt than seen.
Which stretches out across the miles
and fills deeper than the sea.
It is a longing without end.
It is a loving I cannot send
in letters small and typed and scrawled
but from my heart to yours,
I share it all.

By T.H. (for my husband at Lompoc USP)

2/18/2000

Time

Sometimes to find your love, I felt I had to look.
no one knows the strength it took.
My love for you has always shown, although
at times I felt I shared it alone.
We had our nights we had our days,
"I love you" was said in many ways.
Then quietly your secret was told, everything
you had done began to unfold.
Through all the hurt, through all the pain,
my love for you, it still remains.
They've taken you and locked you away,
for this we had to part.
Though it hurts us both and I wish you were here,
God's given us time to heal our hearts.

For my Husband, Robert Stotts, inmate at Tehachapi State Prison, CA
By: Yvonne Stotts, Fontana, CA

As I stood before a group of incarcerated fathers ready to receive parenting education, a small voice whispers to me, Somebody's son, husband, father.

Engaging them into classroom discussion, I look into their eyes only to glimpse the yearnings of their hearts. A strong desire to reunite with their children and family and still I hear, Somebody's son, husband, father. They soaked up every word, eager to learn, reassure themselves of their self-worth, and a need to feel needed. Again, Somebody's son, husband, father, I hear.

We made it past the first of nine sessions, succeeded first impressions, and comfortable with first names. He's more than just Somebody's son, husband, father but a person with an identity and a story to tell.

S.P. Bell, M.Ed., Facilitator, Fathers Are Parents, Too., Escambia County Jail/Counseling, Pensacola FL

I see it in your eyes while we visit.
The spark is dying.
I see it in your eyes.

I wait for you. I'll wait forever for you.
But you can't wait for me.
Because you're disappearing.
I see it in your eyes.

When will you hold me while I cry for lost
Youth?
Chances?
Life?
And children who will never be born to us.

When will your strong arms enfold me and hide me from the
Pain?
Loneliness?
Desperation?

I think about you at night my love when the world is sleeping.
I hug your pillow
Smell your old clothes
Try to fill the need only you can fill
And cry myself to sleep.
Only to awaken alone again, always alone

And I know it's the same for you
Lying in your hard bed with strangers all around
And unfeeling, unknowing, uncaring warders
Wandering the dark hallways of the warehouse of misery
Where your life slips away a
Year
Month
Day
Hour
Minute
Second at a time.

I know you need me at night
When the lights are dim
And memories of what we
Did
Said
Meant
To each other seep out of your memory.
I see it in your eyes.

Would you remember how to pleasure me
And how to let me pleasure you?
We both know it may never happen.
I see it in your eyes.

The years, the walls, the noise, the rules, the bad air
The poor medical care, lack of exercise for you body and mind
The hopelessness and loneliness and purposelessness of your existence
Are killing you
As surely as if they had strapped you to the table with a needle in your arm.
But they didn't sentence you to die.

They sentenced you to live
Behind walls
Behind wire
In the dark, frightening shadows.
And it's killing you.
I see it in your eyes.

To my husband, whom I love more than my life - Jane

walls behind me
i leave you and go with our daughter in the sun
and feel guilty
for looking at the same sun you cannot see

i love you and enjoy my independence
a new me, a stronger woman
but a weaker one too

circumstances made us who we are
and circumstances changed us
but circumstances are keeping us apart from becoming
who we wanted to be

i love you and i love my space
no more fighting
nothing to discuss about
i know it sounds foolish but
can we live opposites and
accept both?

one more year and you will
be (maybe ) out in the sun. i hope we will be
one and one again and grow and love
each other
but we are changed forever now.

life as we knew it
has left us
forever and still is here within me

i am one of the many women that wait on saturday morning, one of the many
that know what a prison looks like. i am a better person for that, i know
this much is true.

Keep Your Head Up

the years would past * time, lost to the motions of time-
one year turned to a decade I hoped I would have the
opportunity to see the son I hadn't seen since he was
18 months old * Friends I knew entered prison, I talked
to them, one of the guys conveyed he saw my son frequently
the friend conveyed my son and I looked alike, Father
and son * this brought a smile to a face which hasn't smiled
from the inside of a prison often * time continued to
haunt the restless hours I can not sleep * the young
manchild I haven't known * the years * the reflection
of time * the past, present, one's future without someone
you love.

to relive phases of a life where I errored the responsibilities
I should have maintained * each remembrance has the
flashbacks which pained the psychic, body, soul, spirituality
the emotions of this man have suffered tremendously *
the regrets * the focused contents of a son * the questions
he have about a father he did not know * Father, mother
and son trapped inside of the dramas to separation.

males and females lockdown to imprisonment realize
the emotional stages which disconnected males and
females whom have children, how can you alleviate
the inmost turmoil, the psychic equilibrium, the
imbalance, how? Memories are positive/negative,
people have to exist from the perspective of positives
to negatives somewhere in time, one's maturity
is at stake, always * keep your head up!

James E. Washington 087685
Wallens Ridge State Prison
P. O. Box 759
Big Stone Gap, Virginia 24219-0759

INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY
(Except in Texas...)

For Ray

I grew up believing the justice system worked,
That it was one of the better things about this country
Now I know better

Growing up I always heard it said that everyone was
Innocent until proven guilty
Now I know better

For an innocent man's life is shattered,
Lying in rubble around his feet while he tries to cope
With being told he's a criminal, when he's not
I know better

How many friends have we lost between us,
Those who ignore me because I'm standing by you?
Those who look down on us because of what "they" say you did?
I know better

And those false friends, who pretended to like me before,
They're no longer a part of my life, because I don't need them
And I realize they were never true friends in the first place
Now I know better

And you've come to realize just who your friends really are,
And how many people DO care about you,
Just like I always told you
Now you know better

How do we handle being separated for what could be years,
Knowing that justice ISN'T always served
And the legal profession makes mistakes too?
Now we know better

How do we cope with the bitterness we both feel
At how easily a judge can shatter lives, put plans on hold,
And shorten both our lives by the years you're in prison?
I hope we learn better

It's in God's hands now
Both your case and our lives
We thought we could correct it ourselves
Now we both know better

Innocent until proven guilty?
Believe it if you want...
It might be true elsewhere -- but not in Texas
WE KNOW BETTER!

by Diane
10/20/99

So many nights I sit here, wondering where he is, hoping he's all
rght, praying that my dreams were only dreams! Is there anybody out
there who can help me find my love-He seems to be lost in the system,
or maybe simply lost from ME!

Andreas,
I don't know if
you will ever read this,
I can only hope.
I can't promise
that tomorrow will be better,
I can't tell you
that I fully understand why
things happen as they do
to the people that we love.
I can't know if this is just
what God Has planned.
But I can say, I am here
if you should ever need me.
I know you're going through
a difficult time and
it's only natural to be
experienceing doubts about
the way you're handling things.
I believe in you.
I admire your courage,
your spirit and determination.
But, even more than that,
I believe in your ability
to come out of this
an even stronger and better person
than you already are.
Hang in there Lil' brother,
something good is bound to happen!

LOVE,
Arthur

http://community.webtv.net/AKELLYII/ALKII

18 years so far, and still the doors stay shut,
At times hope is real, then the "system" takes another piece from my
heart
I can't feel your pain, I feel mine
I can't know your sorrow, I know mine
Put yourself into My shoes, walk on the outside a while
I long for the day when we can sit without prying eyes, be ourselves
As a child, you used to tickle me, play games with me, as I became an
adult, you helped to teach me right from wrong, even if I thought you
didn't care, you always did, and still do.
Close your eyes, can you still see the park ? I can
I miss the safe embrace of your loving arms, the gentle way you wiped
away my tears, but you can't wipe them away now, 18 years of crying
tends to create pools that No one can wipe away.
I help as much as I can, and yet, I cannot give you the one thing you
dream about every day, and you cannot give me the same.
Did the Crime, Served The Time, .......... Now Let Him Go !!!!!!
Why does the PRC think they are Gods ? The Commisioner is NOT Jesus
Christ !!!
The Judge and Jury Sentenced you 18 years ago, yet you are still being
sentenced !!! Once a year the time comes to appear before the board. You
have had a 18 year "trial", and the ruling is still not in from the
"judges".
I want you home.

"I WAS IN PRISON AND YOU VISITED ME" (Matthew25:36)

Jesus, united with the Father and the Holy Spirit, give us your compassion for those in prison. Mend in mercy the broken in mind and memory. Soften the hard of heart, the captives of anger. Free the innocent; Awaken the repentance that restores hope. May the prisoners' families persevere in their love. Jesus, heal the victims of crime. They live with the scares. Lift to eternal peace those who die. Grant victims' families the forgiveness that heals. Give wisdom to lawmakers and to those who judge. Instill prudence and patience in those who guard. Make those in prison ministry bearers of your light for ALL OF US are in need of your mercy... Amen..

I share this prayer to all of us who have family members incarcerated in this country and around the world. Our hope lies in prayer and thanksgiving for the blessings that we do have. As they took my husband away in court that day I thought my world would end. Soon I realized what I had always known, that we have a merciful and loving God. A God of love and forgiveness. He never will ask any of us to endure in this life what He hasn't already given us the grace to get through. It's up to us, to our own free will, if we are to accept the challenge. We can all grow in humility, compassion, endurance and love through these experiences. You can't purchase those gifts anywhere, for any price. We can do this! Let us pray...

I am used to yelling so you can hear me.
At first I thought you were yelling to be
heard above the cacophony of angry voices.

Now I realize you are yelling to yell.
The noise. The damn endless noise.
You have become a part of it.

Your words are still sweet
but they are tinged with an edge
I have never heard in your voice.

I am frightened by what it is doing to you.
My sweet dreamer is dying.
Who will you be when you return?

Your bar buddies are gossiping. I won't talk about it.
Did you commit armed robbery? I won't talk about it.
Did you hit me? I won't talk about it.
We heard it is a Federal rap. I won't talk about it.
Why was nothing in the papers? I won't talk about it.
You seemed like such a nice guy...who would have thought? I won't talk about
it.

You will be home soon. We will talk about it.

It's been two years
two very long years

They past with some laughter but
mostly with tears.

I should be happy, so i'm told
'cause we're still young and not to old.

But no, now i'm scared how will it be
will he really come home and be true to me

or

have we both changed and grown apart
oh i hope not, I've done my part.

But maybe we are too old now just not in years
maybe we're worn out by all of the tears

I've waited and hoped and prayed for the day
when my baby can come home with me to stay

But i'm scared now and so afraid that my baby has
turned hard and will walk away.

I've been strong all this time and now i'm weak
so weak at times i think i'm a freak

Why now must I wonder if our love is true
why now must I ask if the sky is blue

I have all these letters that once made me glad
but I read them now and they all seem so sad.

They say:
My baby my Julie I hope you are fine
I hope you're not cheating
I hope you're still mine.

Oh baby oh baby I have not gone a stray
I love you more and more each day.

I hope these words are not words in a dream
for if they are i might wake up and scream.

I Miss You My Love.......................

I'm Scared

You've been gone now for quite some time
And I've been here trying to act just fine.
I come and visit you and am harrassed by the guards
because i visit my man behind bars.

I come every sunday
and have for two years

Time is passing and has been lost,
We fought for your innocence at all costs,
The children miss you and I feel I could die,
Because the cops and DA went on with their lie,
A 3 to 5 is what you were given,
Now a life of pain is what we are living,
I'm sorry this happened I can't imagin your pain,
Or maybe I can since I am feeling the same,
I would wait for forever if I needed too,
Because the children and I, we do still love you,
You and I know the truth, that your an innocent man,
This won't be forever and when your out here I am.

Nicole M. 8/6/99

Although it seems like there is no end
Only prayers to you I send.
I hope if you receive a chance
You'll put it all in God's hands.
Just remember, cause it is true
He will always Love You.

Until you have walked in my shoes
I guess you have nothing to lose

I've been down some roads
that were extremely rough,
But I swear it's just making
me that much more tough.

I've seen people get stabbed and die
I guess that's why I want to cry.

I've been in places you don't want to be
I'm sure you're really glad you're not me.

But in the end I can always say
I thank the LORD for giving
me the ability to Pray.

JJW

Silent rage hidden behind laughter

Silent rage hidden behind laughter
Thoughts of Freedom out of reach
Hands extended to a lover
Love inspired through blind faith

I call upon her name, and from the gray ruins
of memory a thousand tumultuousre startled at the sound!
Ah, vividly is her image before me now, as in thee early days
of our light, Heartedness and joy!
My unaminous love in her makes me hold on

I just wanted to share this poem I wrote to my husband. Most things I read and hear are down and negative. Yes, it is difficult, but God does not want us in a constant state of dispair. There is hope and love in all things.

God brought us together, a fact we do not doubt.
It's a mystery to others when they hear us shout.
They look upon our circumstance and cannot figure out
the peace and strength our love has brought, or how it came about.

Miles and walls and bars are obstacles it's true.
But then again, as with all things, it's from a point of view.
With hearts and minds wide open and God beside us too,
There's nothing here on mans earth together we can't do.

I feel your arms around me, when I snuggle up at night.
I hear your words in my ear, when I don't do things quite right.
I hear your laughter ringing, when I see something you'd enjoy.
I bless the love we're sharing, the contentment and the joy.

Together we are forever. That cannot be changed.
We live, we love, we pray, until it is arranged
for us to be side by side in a physical sense.
No more guards and wardens, no more brick and fence.

God's love is eternal, patient, strong, and kind.
A fact I must keep always, forward in my mind.
Why else would He have brought me the man that I adore?
An act for which I'm grateful, now, and forevermore.

God brought us together, a fact we do not doubt.
It's a mystery to others when they hear us shout.
They look upon our circumstance and cannot figure out
the peace and strength our love has brought, or how it came about.

Miles and walls and bars are obstacles it's true.
But then again, as with all things, it's from a point of view.
With hearts and minds wide open and God beside us too,
There's nothing here on mans earth together we can't do.

I feel your arms around me, when I snuggle up at night.
I hear your words in my ear, when I don't do things quite right.
I hear your laughter ringing, when I see something you'd enjoy.
I bless the love we're sharing, the contentment and the joy.

Together we are forever. That cannot be changed.
We live, we love, we pray, until it is arranged
for us to be side by side in a physical sense.
No more guards and wardens, no more brick and fence.

God's love is eternal, patient, strong, and kind.
A fact I must keep always, forward in my mind.
Why else would He have brought me the man that I adore?
An act for which I'm grateful, now, and forevermore.

Susan Clay, June 98

To step inside this hallow hole
You didn't ask. I will go
And to follow you to the depth of dispair
You didn't ask. I went there
To stay inside these hindering bars
You didn't ask. I made them ours
You gave me plenty opportunity to walk away
You let me out. I chose to stay
And when you die & say please don't cry.....
It will be my fault these eyes aren't dry
And when the walls come crashing down
There should be no sympathy for my frown
I saw the train. I made the crash
I came here. You didn't ask.
.
J.C.
May 1988

We are not widows, yet we grieve.
We are not single, yet we are so alone.
We ante up our years, knowing full well the cards are stacked against us. We wonder if the man we wait for can come back to us.
We will imagine ourselves still young, and we will overlook the evidence on undue worry and stress on our faces.
We dream of reunion, like the fountain of youth, returning our love and our lives.

Becky Pena
February 1998

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed, and hence clamorous to be led to safety...

The truth is when the judge sentenced you he sentenced me too
The truth is it is harder being incarcerated in the world
The truth is there is a party Sat. nite and I'm thinking about going

I'm tired of all night crying, PO's lying, children driving me up the wall
Flesh of my flesh my strength is waning
Desires are becoming demanding
and God know's I don't want to hurt you
When the judge sentenced you he sentenced me too

Inmate's wife ,
Number so-and-so
I have no other name,
Don't cha know.
No other function.

When I came,
I stood alone,
Silenced by the pain
Of long atoning
For my spouse's sin.

The others,
They have works to share,
Hours spent on plans
And progress where
They open doors.

Where "inmate'
Means a mother's son,
Or a mother herself,
Whose children are gone;
Where needs are heard.

But they say
They need me too --
For my strength, for my hope,
For the way I grew
Through my trials.

Inmate's wife,
But starting to heal
From my heart's prison
Harsher than steel;
They've heard my silence now.

Anonymous 1989

I will tell our daughter everyday that her Father loves her. She will know how well he took care of her the first months of her life, from photos, video tape, and from those earliest memories that map on our brains the ability to love and be loved. I will do my best to help erase the confusion she is feeling when she wakes up cuddled on my arm, expecting to trade smiles with her father, seeing my face instead. I love her, but I cannot give her that big voice, long arms to curl up in, or scratchy face kisses. Instead of two parents to hold her close and safe, she will only have me...tired and irritable from trying to support three daughters with my sewing business, never able to give them the time and attention they need.

The day will come when she will ask me what her Daddy is like and why he isn't with us if he loves us so much. I'll tell her the truth, "your Dad is a good, sweet man, but he had some mean things done to him when he was little and it made his feelings confused when he got to be grown. He didn't know how to stop sometimes when what should have been good touches turned to bad touches. Later, he thought about it and decided to try to never hurt anyone ever again. Then he met me and we fell in love. (That's how you got to be here)

But after you were born, he had to go in front of a judge to see if he should be punished for the bad stuff he did long before you were born. Lots of people told the judge that he was a better person than before, and having beautiful little you made him want to work real hard to make your life happy. A doctor even did some tests that proved he was OK. But the judge didn't see it that way, so they took your Daddy away. They only let us kiss him good-bye one time...and he was gone."

Family & Corrections Network
The Wall 1997 - 1999